Funny Quotes
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Funny Quotes
“What happens after you die? Lot's of things happen after you die - they just don't involve you”
“A man in love is incomplete until he has married. Then he's finished.”
“My husband taught me housekeeping; when I divorce I keep the house.”
“I am a marvelous housekeeper. Every time I leave a man I keep his house.”
“Under capitalism, man exploits man. Under communism, it's just the opposite.”
“After I told my wife that black underwear turned me on, she didn't wash my Y-fronts for a month.”
“There isn't any finer folks living than a Republican that votes the Democratic ticket.”
“It's a funny thing, the more I practice the luckier I get.”
“There's no such thing as 'hard sell' and 'soft sell.' There's only 'smart sell' and 'stupid sell.'”
“Golf is good for the soul. You get so mad at yourself you forget to hate your enemies.”
“Broad-minded is just another way of saying a fellow is too lazy to form an opinion.”
“Sometimes when you look in his eyes you get the feeling that someone else is driving.”
“Everyone has a purpose in life. Perhaps yours is watching television.”
“My retirement plan was in place but Bernie Maidoff with my money.”
“I'm not so much interested in the return ON my money as I am in the return OF my money.”
“I know worrying works, because none of the stuff I worried about ever happened.”
“If you get to thinking you're a person of some influence, try ordering somebody else's dog around.”
“If you want your children to listen, try talking softly - to someone else.”
“If you ever injected truth into politics you would have no politics.”