Best Funny Quotes | Short & Famous Sayings Page 35

“Jordan ran the London marathon to help raise money for the blind. After jogging that far with her body, I'm surprised she hasn't joined them!”

Helping Body Humor Funny Raises Blind London Ran Marathon Jordan Jogging

Author:Frankie Boyle

“That should be the anti-speeding advert. It should be footage of Richard Hammond trying to remember his own wedding day.”

Thinking Should Trying Humor Funny Remember Speeding Wedding Day Adverts

Author:Frankie Boyle

“The East End of Glasgow is like the Olympics. Lots of foriegners in tracksuits struggling to speak English.”

Ends Humor Funny Speak Struggle East Olympics Speak English Glasgow

Author:Frankie Boyle

“I live in a flat with 3 women, I call it surround sound. I keep the ugly one behind the sofa as a woofer.”

Humor Funny Sound Behinds Ugly Flats Surround Sofas Surround Sound

Author:Frankie Boyle

“Congratulations you're 18!... On a list of 20 people I'm going to kill.”

People Humor Funny Lists Congratulations

Author:Frankie Boyle

“Don't you think its quite weird for Prince Harry, getting really stoned and seeing your grans face appearing on your money.”

Thinking Humor Funny Faces Seeing Appearing Grans

Author:Frankie Boyle

“Congratulations on passing your test! Your HIV positive.”

Humor Funny Tests Passing Passings Congratulations Hiv Hiv Positive

Author:Frankie Boyle

“As the plane lands in Glasgow airport, passengers are reminded to set their watch back, 25 years.”

Years Humor Funny Watches Land Planes Airports Passengers Glasgow

Author:Frankie Boyle

“In the event of a cabin failure, oxygen masks will drop from the ceiling, and untangling them will annoy you before you die.”

Humor Funny Dies Events Mask Annoying Oxygen Ceilings Cabins

Author:Frankie Boyle

“Now, the magic of British parks at night, as Bill Oddie presents.. Gaywatch.”

Humor Funny Night Magic Bills British Parks

Author:Frankie Boyle

“Let me ask you a question. How long is too long to text someone back? My wife still thinks I died in 9/11.”

Thinking Long Stills Humor Funny Asks Wife Let Me Died My Wife

Author:Frankie Boyle

“I don't know how long i could be a vet before i got bored and started shagging stuff.”

Knows Long Humor Funny Stuff Know How Bored Vets Shagging

Author:Frankie Boyle

“Does anyone actually think that Beckham knows he's in America? I think he just follows a football and all he notices is that it occasionally gets warmer.”

Thinking Knows Doe Humor Funny America Football Beckham

Author:Frankie Boyle

“I did Scottish footballer of the year this year, attempted to do some comedy at that. Not the brightest people in the world. There were seven O-Levels in that room, and they were all mine.”

People World Years Humor Funny Levels Rooms Comedy Mines Seven Footballer Scottish

Author:Frankie Boyle

“I like storms. I like thunder and lightning. What I do during a storm is shag my girlfriend and pretend that we're taking part in the conception of the Antichrist.”

Humor Funny Storm Girlfriend Conception Lightning Thunder My Girlfriend Antichrist Thunder And Lightning

Author:Frankie Boyle

“RyanAir have been getting a hard time because they've launched a £7 flight to New York. Although as always with RyanAir it does land slightly outside of New York. In Dublin.”

Doe Has Beens Hard Humor Funny Land New York Flight Hard Times Dublin

Author:Frankie Boyle

“The average life expectancy rate in some parts of Glasgow is 54. If you've ever been there, you'll realize that that's maybe a bit long.”

Ifs Long Humor Funny Bits Realizing Rate Average Expectancy Glasgow Life Expectancy Average Life

Author:Frankie Boyle

“They've bought out a condom now for people with premature ejaculation and they've put an anesthetic in the lining that makes you numb and you can last for longer. Or, you can wear it inside out and you don't have to wake anybody up!”

People Humor Funny Lasts Numb Premature Condom Anesthetics Ejaculation Premature Ejaculation

Author:Frankie Boyle

“Victoria Beckham looks like she has a dump once every four years. That's probably how David knows that there's a World Cup coming up.”

Knows World Years Looks Humor Funny Four Cups Four Years Dump World Cup Victoria Beckham

Author:Frankie Boyle

“I watched the footage of Saddam being executed, and it really made me think...is there nothing on the internet that I won't masturbate to?”

Thinking Made Humor Funny Internet Saddam

Author:Frankie Boyle

“My dad is one of the funniest people I know. He's the sort of man who can make you laugh just by reading out of a telephone directory... He's a spastic.”

People Knows Men Humor Funny Reading Laughing Dad My Dad Telephones Make You Laugh

Author:Frankie Boyle

“I can't help thinking the failed New York bomber would've done far more damage if he'd simply driven throught Times Square in a Toyota.”

Ifs Thinking I Can Done Helping Humor Funny New York Driven Damage Squares Bombers Toyota Times Square

Author:Frankie Boyle

“The government are considering spending £3million on a state funeral for Margaret Thatcher when she dies. For £3million they could buy everyone in Scotland a shovel, and we'll dig a hole deep enough to deliver her to Satan ourselves.”

States Enough Humor Government Funny Dies Spending Holes Satan Funeral Considering Scotland Shovels

Author:Frankie Boyle

“A 66-YEAR-OLD woman has become the oldest new mum in Britain after giving birth to a baby boy. I'm amazed she needed to have a caesarean section though, you'd think at 66 she would have needed some masking tape down there just to stop it falling out.”

Thinking Giving Years Humor Funny Fall Boys Baby Birth Needed Britain Tape Mum Amazed Sections Old Woman Giving Birth Baby Boy

Author:Frankie Boyle

“When I heard Cristiano Ronaldo was pictured holding a manbag, I was surprised it was a gucci bag and not another guy's sack.”

Humor Funny Guy Heard Bags Gucci Cristiano Ronaldo

Author:Frankie Boyle

“The only award I've been nominated for is a Scottish BAFTA. A Scottish BAFTA, it's like hearing that the animals have their own Olympics. You hear all this stuff about TV being faked. Of course it's faked. It's all faked. That documentary a couple of weeks ago about tribal warfare among monkeys, that was all filmed in a Yates wine lodge in Dundee. Comic Relief is faked. Everybody in Africa is fine.”

Humor Funny Courses Stuff Animal Week Tvs Fine Couple Wine Hearing Comic Relief Awards Warfare Olympics Monkeys Documentaries Scottish Lodges Comic Relief Dundee

Author:Frankie Boyle

“People who think there's no good way to die have obviously never heard the phrase 'Drug-fuelled-sex-heart-attack'.”

People Thinking Way Heart Humor Funny Dies Sex Heard Drug Phrases Good Way Heart Attack

Author:Frankie Boyle

“When I went to school, sex education was mainly muttered warnings about the janitor.”

Humor School Funny Sex Warning Sex Education Janitor

Author:Frankie Boyle

“The owners of a dog which swallowed a diamond worth £12000 had to wait three days until it re-emerged. With a bit of planning it could have been a nice way to propose.”

Way Has Beens Humor Funny Three Bits Waiting Nice Dog Planning Owners Diamond Could Have Been Propose

Author:Frankie Boyle

“The thing I don't get about paedophilia... Why the hell do kids find old men in dirty raincoats so sexy?”

Men Humor Kids Funny Hell Sexy Dirty Old Man

Author:Frankie Boyle

“Does anyone find it ironic how a program aimed at old people is called 'Countdown'?”

People Doe Humor Funny Program Ironic Old People Countdown

Author:Frankie Boyle

“Stephen Hawking: Brainier than Kurt Cobain's garage wall.”

Humor Funny Wall Garage Cobain

Author:Frankie Boyle

“Why is it that it's okay to call a white person "mate" yet it's not okay to call a black guy "primate"?”

Persons Humor Funny Guy Black White Okay Mates Primates Not Okay Black Guys

Author:Frankie Boyle

“I gave my girlfriend something she didn't expect for Valentine's day... Chlamydia.”

Humor Funny Girlfriend Valentine Valentine's Day My Girlfriend Chlamydia

Author:Frankie Boyle

“Welcome to Glasgow - the city where we punch people who are on fire.”

People Humor Funny Cities Fire Welcome Glasgow

Author:Frankie Boyle

“It seems amazing that the Navy SEALs managed to get inside the compound and shoot Osama so efficiently. I can only imagine they were told that the mission was to rescue a bearded British hostage and he must be brought out alive.”

I Can Humor Seems Funny Alive Imagine Missions British Rescue Navy Compounds Seals Hostage Navy Seal

Author:Frankie Boyle

“She used to be a teacher but she has no class now.”

Humor Funny Used Class Teacher Used To Be

Author:Fred Allen

“He has no idea what it was like to grow up in the South, where you had to hold your head down.”

Ideas Humor Funny Grows Growing Up South No Idea

Author:Fred Allen

“For me, stand-up comedy is a conversation between me and the audience. I have to keep them listening. When I'm making jokes about cake for twenty minutes, I have to make sure my audience is interested and following where I'm going.”

Humor Funny Audience Comedy Minutes Listening Conversation Jokes Twenties Following Cake Stand Up Comedy

Author:Jim Gaffigan

“You ever find yourself being lazy for no reason at all? Like, you pick up your mail, you go in your house, you realize you have a letter for a neighbor. You ever just look at the letter and go "Hm. Looks like they're never getting this. It'll take too much energy to go back outside. I'm gonna get that to them later on. Right now I gotta watch some 'Love Connection.' They got some new host on there."”

Looks Reason Humor Funny House Energy Realizing Watches Too Much Like You Right Now Picks Letters Connections Neighbor Lazy No Reason Finding Yourself Host Mail Being Lazy Love Connection

Author:Jim Gaffigan

“I never have free time, I don't know about you. You ever go to the cash machine, there's two people in line in front of you and you get kinda flustered, you're like "Forget it! I'm not standing here for 40 seconds. I got things to do, okay?"”

People Knows Two Humor Funny Lines Forget Fronts Standing Okay Machines Things To Do Seconds Cash Forget It Free Time

Author:Jim Gaffigan

“Sometimes being lazy can get you in trouble. You ever not take a shower all weekend, just lounge around, then you're running late for work on Monday? There's always one person at work: "Something smells like smoke in here!" "Uh, I went to a barbeque on Friday night. Only had 48 hours to take a shower. Busy."”

Persons Sometimes Humor Running Funny Night Hours Trouble Late Busy Smell Smoke Lazy Weekend Showers Monday Friday Friday Night Being Lazy 48 Hours Running Late

Author:Jim Gaffigan

“You ever look for the remote control, but you can't find it, so you just decide, "Ah, guess I'm not watching TV. I'm not gonna take two steps and turn it on myself. I'll go to the gym if I'm going to work out."”

Ifs Looks Two Humor Funny Turns Steps Tvs Work Out Gym Going To Work Watching Tv Remote Control

Author:Jim Gaffigan

“Every morning I hear the alarm, it's like "BEEP BEEP BEEP" For second I'm like, "I could get used to that, just dream I'm in a techno club, or something."”

Dream Humor Funny Used Morning Clubs Every Morning Alarms Techno

Author:Jim Gaffigan

“It's strange how interesting your dreams are, but when someone tries to tell you their dream you're just like "WHATEVER! Why don't you send me an e-mail so I can delete it?"”

Trying I Can Dream Humor Funny Interesting Strange Your Dreams Mail

Author:Jim Gaffigan

“I'm the youngest, too. When you're the youngest of a big family, people are like, "You're the baby, you're spoiled!" The fact of the matter is, when you're the youngest of a big family, by the time you're a teenager, your parents are insane. You're like, "Hey, I'm going roller-skating-" "You're not going roller-skating or you'll end up pregnant like your sister. Why don't you smoke pot and become a lawyer?"”

People Ends Matter Facts Humor Bigs Funny Parent Like You Baby Lawyer Insane Hey Smoke Teenager Pot Pregnant Spoiled Skating Big Families Roller Skating

Author:Jim Gaffigan

“People get burned out in big families, you can even see it in the naming of children. Like the first kid, "You were named after Grandma." The seventh kid, "You were named after a sandwich I had. Now get your brother, Reuben."”

People Firsts Children Humor Bigs Kids Funny Brother Burned Sandwiches Grandma Your Brother Big Families Burned Out

Author:Jim Gaffigan

“You ever get a postcard, you get so excited you don't even read it! "Hey I got a - who cares."”

Humor Care Funny Excited Hey Who Cares Postcards

Author:Jim Gaffigan

“That's why when I send a postcard I quiz people. "Hey, did you get that postcard?" "Yeah, yeah yeah." "Well what'd I say?" "Uh, you were havin-" "I was in jail"”

People Wells Humor Funny Yeah Hey Jail Postcards Quiz Yeah Yeah Yeahs

Author:Jim Gaffigan

“Why do you have to be out of town to write a postcard? I want a to write a postcard to my neighbor: "I still live near you!" The guy sees me go into my apartment, flips the card over, it's just a picture of me holding a rifle.”

Want Writing Stills Humor Funny Guy Towns Neighbor Cards Over It Apartment Flip Rifles Postcards

Author:Jim Gaffigan

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