Best Funny Quotes | Short & Famous Sayings Page 10

“Congratulations to Mexico. They upset Brazil to win a gold medal in men's soccer. And after the Olympics ended, the Mexican soccer team, of course, returned home to their houses here in Los Angeles.”

Men Home Funny Courses House Winning Team Gold Soccer Upset Los Angeles Mexico Olympics Congratulations Medal Mexican Brazil Gold Medals London Olympics Soccer Team

Author:Jay Leno

“Usain Bolt won the gold for the men's 100- and 200-meter dashes for the second Olympics in a row. You know, he has been running since he was in elementary school - kind of like Mitt Romney.”

Knows Men Kind Has Beens Running School Funny Gold Olympics Romney Bolts Meter Elementary School London Olympics

Author:Jay Leno

“Tough Olympic news for the Romneys. Ann Romney's horse Rafalka did not advance to the Olympic finals. Apparently it was beat by a smooth-talking socialist horse from Kenya.”

Funny Talking News Beats Tough Horse Finals Socialist Olympics Smooth Romney Kenya London Olympics

Author:Conan O'Brien

“Big story at the Olympics regarding Michael Phelps. He stepped out with his girlfriend for the first time. She is a 25-year-old model from Los Angeles. Like every other model in L.A., She's dating an older retired guy. What's going on?”

Years Firsts Stories Bigs Funny Guy Models First Time Dating Girlfriend Los Angeles Olympics Retired London Olympics

Author:Conan O'Brien

“It's now come out just before his record-breaking 100-meter dash, gold medalist Usain Bolt ate at McDonald's. Apparently he timed his meal so when the race started he would have exactly 9.63 seconds to get to a toilet.”

Funny Race Records Gold Meals Seconds Olympics Toilets Bolts Mcdonalds Meter London Olympics Records Breaking

Author:Conan O'Brien

“I think the scores for Olympic gymnastics are affected by what countries the judge and the gymnast are from. That's wrong. That type of political pandering isn't meant for gymnastic Olympic events. It's meant for the Supreme Court.”

Thinking Country Funny Political Events Judging Type Court Supreme Score Affected Olympics Supreme Court Gymnastics Gymnast London Olympics

Author:Craig Ferguson

“Olympic officials have disqualified a champion race walker after determining that he was doping. They disqualified him. The man said getting caught doping is almost as embarrassing as getting caught being a champion race walker.”

Men Said Funny Race He Man Caught Champion Officials Olympics Embarrassing Walkers London Olympics Doping

Author:Conan O'Brien

“The Romneys have a horse competing in the Olympics. Ann Romney's horse failed to win a medal in the dressage event today, which is a shame because if there's one thing that family needs, it's more gold.”

Ifs Needs Today Funny Winning One Thing Events Gold Horse Shame Olympics Competing Medal Romney London Olympics Dressage

Author:Conan O'Brien

“Why don't they allow professional wrestling at the Olympics? They allow pro basketball players and hockey players. Olympic pro wrestling would be awesome. The team from Mexico could wear those Mr. X masks. The French wrestler could hit his opponent with a baguette. Or perhaps just surrender.”

“An American judo fighter was expelled from the Olympics after testing positive for marijuana. Officials became suspicious when he kept stopping the match and saying, 'What are we fighting for, man?'”

Men Funny Fighting Fighter Officials Marijuana Olympics Stopping Testing Suspicious Judo London Olympics

Author:Conan O'Brien

“Naturally the U.S. trails in gold medals because every time we win one, we hand it over to the Chinese to pay off our debt.”

Hands Funny Winning Pay Gold Debt Chinese Olympics Trails Medal Gold Medals London Olympics

Author:Stephen Colbert

“Well China, you got us. Phelps was doping - and he still beat you. He smoked the sticky-icky, and then he smoked your ass!”

Wells Stills Funny Beats China Ass Olympics Sticky London Olympics Doping

Author:Stephen Colbert

“Saudi Arabia's first female athlete will be allowed to compete while wearing a head scarf. The Saudi woman said she was thrilled about the ruling all she needs now is a man to drive her to the Olympics.”

Men Needs Firsts Said Funny Female Athlete Olympics Ruling Arabia Saudi Arabia Saudis Scarves London Olympics Female Athlete

Author:Conan O'Brien

“The first Olympic Games were held in 776 BC. Do you know who lit the flame? Betty White.”

Knows Firsts Funny Games White Flames Do You Know Olympics Lit Olympic Games London Olympics

Author:Jay Leno

“Yesterday Michael Phelps set an all-time Olympic record for most medals. Phelps has so much gold on his chest he's been asked to join the cast of 'Jersey Shore.'”

Funny Records Gold Casts Yesterday All Time Chests Shore Olympics Medal Jersey London Olympics Jersey Shore

Author:Conan O'Brien

“Did you hear this big scandal? Eight female badminton players were expelled from the Olympics for trying to lose on purpose. So tragically, they'll never have another chance to play badminton unless they get invited to a picnic.”

Trying Play Bigs Funny Purpose Loses Chance Player Female Eight Olympics Invited Scandal Picnics Another Chance London Olympics Badminton

Author:Conan O'Brien

“Seriously, the Olympic badminton players were apparently trying to lose on purpose, a big story. But really, think about it, if you train day and night for four years to be in the Olympics for badminton, in a way, haven't you already lost?”

Ifs Thinking Way Trying Years Stories Bigs Funny Purpose Night Lost Loses Four Player Havens Train Four Years Olympics Day And Night London Olympics Badminton

Author:Conan O'Brien

“The U.S. team has swept all the medals in the skeet shooting event. So despite our bad economy, it's nice to know our country has never been safer from an attack of skeets.”

Knows Country Funny Economy Nice Team Events Despite Our Country Shooting Olympics Medal London Olympics

Author:Conan O'Brien

“A dozen swimming events have already been completed in the Olympic competition. I wonder where they got the name 'Speedo.' It doesn't sound like a bathing suit, it sounds like a breakfast cereal for meth addicts.”

Funny Names Sound Wonder Events Competition Suits Breakfast Swimming Dozen Olympics Addict Cereal Bathing London Olympics Bathing Suits Breakfast Cereal Speedos

Author:Craig Ferguson

“So far China has won the most gold medals, ladies and gentlemen. The Chinese athletes can't wait to get home and show the medals off to the kids who made them.”

Made Shows Home Kids Funny Waiting Gold Athlete China Chinese Gentleman Olympics Medal Gold Medals Ladies And Gentlemen London Olympics

Author:Conan O'Brien

“Olympic organizers are reportedly struggling to fill rows and rows of empty seats. Empty seats! In fact, yesterday officials put out a casting call asking for 200 Europeans or eight Americans.”

Facts Funny Struggle Empty Asking Eight Yesterday Officials Seats Olympics Casting Organizer London Olympics Empty Seats

Author:Conan O'Brien

“Last night on the show I had Olympics fever. Unfortunately, it's getting worse. That's not good. I have to call my doctor if my torch burns for more than four hours.”

Ifs Shows Funny Lasts Night Hours Four Doctors Olympics Last Night Fever Torches London Olympics

Author:Craig Ferguson

“Some people are saying that the reason Michael Phelps isn't doing so well is because he let himself get too out of shape. I just have to say that I have been watching the Olympics, and if that guy is out of shape, I have been dead for five years.”

People Ifs Years Wells Has Beens Reason Funny Guy Five Shapes Five Years Olympics That Guy London Olympics

Author:Conan O'Brien

“The Olympics are getting mixed reviews. People are angry at NBC for showing a promo that revealed the winner of a swimming event even though the race hadn't aired yet. NBC apologized saying, 'We're just not used to people watching our network.'”

People Funny Used Race Events Angry Winner Reviews Swimming Olympics Nbc London Olympics

Author:Conan O'Brien

“Equestrian and sailing are sports for people growing up on the mean streets of Connecticut.”

People Mean Funny Sports Growing Up Growing Streets Olympics Sailing Connecticut London Olympics Equestrian Mean Streets

Author:Craig Ferguson

“An Australian swimmer who failed to win a gold medal is blaming her loss on social media. In her defense, it is really hard to tweet when you're swimming.”

Hard Funny Winning Social Loss Media Gold Blame Social Media Defense Swimming Olympics Medal Australian Tweet Gold Medals Swimmer London Olympics

Author:Conan O'Brien

“Everything went smoothly at the sailing events today, except for the British team. They forgot to bring limes and they all got scurvy.”

Today Funny Team Events British Olympics Sailing Limes London Olympics

Author:Craig Ferguson

“Last night I went out for Chinese. I picked up a Team USA Olympic uniform.”

Funny Lasts Night Team Chinese Usa Uniforms Olympics Last Night London Olympics

Author:Jay Leno

“The Olympics have just started and the Greeks are already 14 medals in debt.”

Funny Debt Greek Olympics Medal London Olympics

Author:Conan O'Brien

“The European countries are really hoping to do well in the Olympics. If they win gold medals, they can use them as cash.”

Ifs Wells Country Use Funny Winning Gold Cash Olympics Medal Gold Medals European Countries London Olympics

Author:David Letterman

“The favorite to win the Olympic gold medal in archery is a legally blind athlete from South Korea, mainly because everyone else is too scared to compete next to him.”

Funny Next Winning Gold Blind South Athlete Scared Olympics Medal Korea Gold Medals South Korea Archery London Olympics

Author:Jimmy Fallon

“The Queen of England jumped out of a helicopter and parachuted into the stadium. What was even more amazing was when Prince Charles flew in using his ears as a hang glider.”

Funny Ears England Queens Olympics Flew Stadiums Helicopters London Olympics Queen Of England

Author:Jay Leno

“Even though the Olympics take place during Ramadan, some Muslim athletes said they will not fast during games. Then, after sampling the British food, they said, on second thought, fasting sounds good.”

Said Funny Games Sound Athlete British Olympics They Said Fasting Second Thoughts Ramadan London Olympics Sampling

Author:Conan O'Brien

“Officials at the London Olympics will be conducting 5,000 tests for steroids. Or as Lance Armstrong calls that, 'a Monday.'”

Funny Tests London Officials Olympics Monday Conducting Armstrong Steroid London Olympics

Author:Jimmy Fallon

“In the spirit of the Olympic Games, they traditionally ask that all fighting and warfare around the world stop. So, there's hope for a ceasefire within the Jackson family.”

World Funny Spirit Fighting Asks Games Around The World Warfare Olympics Olympic Games London Olympics Ceasefire

Author:Jay Leno

“This year's Olympics will be replacing the women's beach volleyball bikinis with uniforms that are less revealing. The stricter dress code was made to appease the conservative nation of 'Buzzkillistan.'”

Years Made Funny Nations Dresses Conservative Beach Code Uniforms Olympics Revealing Volleyball Bikinis Appease London Olympics Dress Code Beach Volleyball

Author:Conan O'Brien

“The night before the Olympics opening ceremony, my son, who is eight years old, gets very excited and likes to put out a plate of cookies and some milk for Bob Costas.”

Years Funny Night Son Excited Eight Likes Opening My Son Milk Bob Plates Olympics Ceremony Cookies London Olympics Opening Ceremony

Author:David Letterman

“Mitt Romney will travel to London where he will attend the Olympics opening ceremony. Of course it's going ot be weird when they're announcing all the countries, and he's like 'Got a bank account there, got one there, two bank accounts there.'”

Two Country Funny Courses Accounts London Opening Olympics Ceremony Romney Bank Accounts Announcing London Olympics Opening Ceremony

Author:Jimmy Fallon

“Well, Harry Reid and other members of congress, they're just furious over this Olympic uniform deal. He says we should burn the uniforms, and it's an embarrassment and a disgrace. Not as embarrassing as congress constantly borrowing money from the Chinese, but still embarrassing.”

Should Wells Stills Funny Deals Members Congress Chinese Uniforms Olympics Embarrassing Disgrace Embarrassment Furious Borrowing London Olympics Borrowing Money

Author:Jay Leno

“Have you seen the Olympic uniforms? It's for the American Olympic team and it's berets. To me, nothing says America like a guy in a beret. Look at our founding fathers, they all wore berets.”

Looks Funny America Guy Father Team Uniforms Olympics Founding Our Founding Fathers London Olympics

Author:David Letterman

“I guess you heard about this; the U.S. Olympic Committee is coming under fire after it was revealed that the uniforms for Team USA to be worn in the opening ceremony were made in China. Turns out they were made by some of the same kids who could beat us in gymnastics. That's the worst part.”

Made Kids Funny Turns Fire Heard Team Worst Beats China Opening Usa Worn Uniforms Olympics Committees Ceremony Gymnastics London Olympics Made In China Opening Ceremony

Author:Jay Leno

“I hit Ali with everything and he said 'is that all you got' and I said 'yeah, that's pretty much it.'”

Said Funny Yeah Boxing

Author:George Foreman

“Look at the people who are kind of the funniest cultures, they're the cultures of the people who have been the most oppressed, black people and Jews. Not that they're the only funny people, but culturally, it comes from the pain, you know?”

People Knows Looks Kind Has Beens Funny Pain Culture Black Jew Black People Oppressed Funny People

Author:Sarah Silverman

“I remember when I got my first Adam Sandler CD and it was the funniest thing I'd ever heard in my entire life, and continues to be.”

Firsts Funny Remember Heard Adam Remember When Cds

Author:Seth Rogen

“I was at a dinner party with a group of people, and we were talking about fake names. You know, how its difficult to come up with a really great fake name. Its a very specific type of gift. You don't want to go too far into the silly, and you don't want to go too far into the banal. I always thought one of the funniest names ever was Gern Blanston, which came from a Steve Martin routine on one of his early records.”

People Knows Want Funny Names Difficult Party Talking Know How Records Groups Type Come Up Dinner Silly Fake Routine Really Great Dinner Party

Author:Paul Rudd

“I thought she was the funniest woman, and I believed being a comedian was the most exciting thing you could be.”

Funny Exciting Comedian Exciting Things

Author:Maya Rudolph

“I'd love to do a film with Mariah. But it would have to be a comedy. She's the funniest woman in the world, she just cracks me up all the time.”

World Funny Film Comedy Cracks

Author:Nick Cannon

“Imagine if you've got the diva of all divas. If we've got to be somewhere at five or six o'clock, I tell her its time to go at noon so she gets those five hours to do what she needs to do. But were both kids at heart. She is the funniest person ever and she has a great sense of humor. We connect at a spiritual level.”

Ifs Needs Heart Persons Kids Funny Spiritual Hours Levels Five Imagine Six Clock Sense Of Humor Noon Kid At Heart

Author:Nick Cannon

“The kindest compliments I have ever heard are when cops tell me Training Day and Assault on Precinct 13 inspired them to become cops. The funniest compliments I have ever heard are when people tell me that 'I love your band Sugar Ray.”

People Funny Heard Love You Band Training Inspired Compliment Rays Sugar Cop Assault

Author:Ethan Hawke

“The funniest thing happened in one of my first scenes. In the beginning Emma was really arrogant and punk and in every scene she would slam the door when she walked in or out.”

Firsts Funny Happened Doors Scene Things Happen Punk Arrogant Slam Emma

Author:Dannii Minogue

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