Best Funny Quotes | Short & Famous Sayings Page 34

“A girl asks her doctor, "Doctor, I've forgotten to take my contradictory pill!" The doctor says: "Are you ignorant?" The girl says: "Yes, three months!"”

Humor Funny Girl Three Asks Months Doctors Forgotten Ignorant Pills Contradictory Three Months

Author:Frank Carson

“I said to the waitress, "There's a fly swimming in my soup." She said: "You've got too much soup - he should only be able to paddle."”

Should Said Humor Able Funny Too Much Swimming Soup Waitress

Author:Frank Carson

“My father fought in World War I and single-handedly destroyed the Germans' line of communication. He ate their pigeon.”

World War Humor Funny Father Lines Communication Destroyed War Of The Worlds World War I Pigeons Lines Of Communication

Author:Frank Carson

“What's the difference between a Rottweiler and a poodle peeing on your leg? You let the Rottweiler finish.”

Humor Funny Differences Legs Poodles Rottweilers

Author:Frank Carson

“My Irish mate told me, if you file down the edges of a 50 pence piece, you can use it as a 10p.”

Ifs Use Humor Funny Pieces Edges Mates Files

Author:Frank Carson

“I'm staying in a lovely hotel, dressing robe behind the door, lovely fluffy sheets - took me a half an hour getting my suitcase closed.”

Humor Funny Hours Behinds Half Doors Lovely Hotel Staying Sheets Dressings Robes Suitcases Fluffy

Author:Frank Carson

“The council in Blackpool have given the homeless bus passes, but how would they know where to get off?”

Knows Humor Funny Given Bus Homeless Council Blackpool

Author:Frank Carson

“I'm really worried about my girlfriend's morals ... she has NEXT written on her knickers.”

Humor Funny Next Moral Written Worried Girlfriend My Girlfriend Knickers

Author:Frank Carson

“There was a man sitting in the dining room of the Titanic, he said: "I know I asked for ice, but this is ridiculous."”

Knows Men Said Humor Funny Rooms Sitting Ridiculous Ice Dining Dining Rooms

Author:Frank Carson

“I was in the Far East and I went into a restaurant and I ordered octopus and the waiter said: "It takes four hours." I asked why and he said: "It keeps turning off the gas."”

Said Humor Funny Hours Four East Restaurants Gas Waiter Octopus

Author:Frank Carson

“I bought these shoes in Taiwan, and they said in the inside "made around the corner."”

Made Said Humor Funny Shoes Corners They Said Around The Corner Taiwan

Author:Frank Carson

“I just want to apologise for being late. I was flying back from Spain and the air hostess said: "We are two hours late Mr Carson." When I asked why, she said: "The pilot has heard a funny noise in the engine that he doesn't like, so we are waiting on another pilot who can't hear it."”

Want Said Two Humor Funny Waiting Hours Heard Air Late Flying Noise Engines Pilots Spain Hostesses

Author:Frank Carson

“An Englishman, Irishman and Scotsman were invited to a Christmas party. The Englishman brought a bag of tinsel, the Scotsman brought a bag of holly and they asked the Irishman: "What have you brought?" He said: "I brought a pair of knickers." They asked: "What has that got to do with Christmas?" He said "They're Carol's."”

Said Humor Funny Party Bags Pairs Invited Englishmen Carols Hollies Irishmen Christmas Party Knickers Tinsel Scotsmen

Author:Frank Carson

“I was going up to the bathroom and a woman asked me: "Have you a good memory for faces?" I asked why and she said: "Because there isn't a mirror up there."”

Said Humor Funny Faces Memories Mirrors Bathroom Good Memories

Author:Frank Carson

“A man up in front of a judge says "I don't recognise this court." "Why not?" "It's been redecorated since the last time I was here."”

Men Humor Funny Lasts Fronts Judging Court Why Not Last Time Recognise

Author:Frank Carson

“I have a pacemaker in, but it doesn't work very well, because every time I fart the garage door opens.”

Wells Humor Funny Doors Garage Fart Pacemakers

Author:Frank Carson

“I asked a shop owner if he could help me out. He said: "What way did you come in?"”

Ifs Way Said Helping Humor Funny Shops Help Me Owners

Author:Frank Carson

“I was in a panto last year, Aladdin and The Wonderful Lamp. I played the wick. I got the sack because I was too well-oiled every night.”

Years Wells Humor Funny Lasts Night Wonderful Every Night Last Year Lamps

Author:Frank Carson

“It's my wife Ruth's birthday soon. I said to her: "What would you like for your birthday?" She said: "I want a divorce." I said: "I wasn't planning on spending that much."”

Want Said Humor Funny Wife Divorce My Wife Spending Planning Ruth

Author:Frank Carson

“A man walked into a shop and asked, "How much are your eggs?" He said "£1.40 a dozen". He then asked: "How much are your cracked ones?" He said: "35p". He said: "Crack us four dozen."”

Men Said Humor Funny Four Shops Eggs Cracks Dozen Cracked

Author:Frank Carson

“The Irish Six Million Dollar man only cost three quid.”

Men Humor Funny Three Millions Cost Six Dollars Million Dollars

Author:Frank Carson

“A traffic policeman stops Sister Bridget for speeding. She pulls into the side of the road and winds down her window. The officer walks round and starts undoing his fly. "Oh dear," she says, "Not the breathalyser again."”

Humor Funny Sides Walks Wind Window Rounds Dear Officers Traffic Policemen Speeding Undoing

Author:Frank Carson

“Did you know you can have an Irish abortion, but there is a 12 month waiting list?”

Knows Humor Funny Waiting Months Lists Abortion Did You Know

Author:Frank Carson

“I gave my wife a kiss this morning. She jumped out of bed and did a lap of honour.”

Humor Funny Morning Wife Bed Kissing My Wife Honour Lap

Author:Frank Carson

“Doctor told me I've got two weeks to live. I said: "Can I have the last week in July and the 1st week in August?"”

Said Two Humor Funny Lasts Week Doctors July Two Weeks August

Author:Frank Carson

“This is Frank Carson, News at Ten, Sober.”

Humor Funny Ten News Frank Sober

Author:Frank Carson

“A man was found dead covered in sprinkles, strawberry sauce and a flake. Reports said he may have topped himself.”

Men May Said Humor Funny Found Reports Covered Sauce Strawberries Flakes Sprinkles Found Dead

Author:Frank Carson

“When I was a kid my parents used to tell me, "Emo, don't go near the cellar door!" One day when they were away, I went up to the cellar door. And I pushed it and walked through and saw strange, wonderful things, things I had never seen before, like... trees. Grass. Flowers. The sun... that was nice... the sun.”

Humor Kids Funny Used Parent Sun Saws Nice Wonderful Doors Tree Strange Flower One Day Grass Wonderful Things Cellars Emo

Author:Emo Philips

“I always wanted a beautiful loving wife and she always wanted to be a citizen.”

Humor Wanted Funny Beautiful Wife Citizens Loving Wife

Author:Emo Philips

“A Mormon told me that they don't drink coffee. I said, "A cup of coffee every day gives you wonderful benefits." He said, "Like what?" I said, "Well, it keeps you from being Mormon ..."”

Giving Wells Said Humor Funny Wonderful Drink Benefits Coffee Cups Coffee Cup

Author:Emo Philips

“When I was a kid my dad would say, "Emo, do you believe in the Lord?" I'd say, "Yes!" He'd say, "Then stand up and shout Hallelujah!" So I would ... and I'd fall out of the roller coaster.”

Believe Humor Kids Funny Fall Lord Dad My Dad Roller Coaster Coasters Hallelujah Emo

Author:Emo Philips

“The good psychic would pick up the phone before it rang. Of course it is possible there was noone on the other line. Once she said "God Bless you" I said, "I didn't sneeze" She looked deep into my eyes and said, "You will, eventually." And damn it if she wasn't right. Two days later I sneezed.”

Ifs Said Two Humor Eye Funny Courses Lines Picks Phones Damn Bless Psychics God Bless Two Days God Bless You

Author:Ellen DeGeneres

“Really, he called me that? Ellen DeGenerate? I've been getting that since fourth grade. I guess I'm happy I could give him work.”

Giving Humor Funny Grades Fourth Degenerates Fourth Grade

Author:Ellen DeGeneres

“I'm a - I'm a, um, a godmother which is just, that's fun to be a godmother, she is so precious, she's the light of my life, she's two... or five or something, and she's, uh... I don't know, I've never seen her - the pictures are precious, she just seems so, y'know... She lives clear across town, I don't have that kind of time, but, um... Well, I send money and stuff, it's not like I don't have a connection...”

Knows Wells Kind Two Humor Light Seems Funny Fun Stuff Clear Five Connections Towns Godmother Light Of My Life

Author:Ellen DeGeneres

“You say you're sick and tired of hearing about me? I've got news for you: I'M sick and tired of hearing about me.”

Humor Funny News Sick Tired Hearing

Author:Ellen DeGeneres

“My dog of 17 years just died. Oh you're kidding?... Noooo... as funny as that is, I'm not”

Years Humor Funny Dog Died My Dog

Author:Ellen DeGeneres

“You know me. Any excuse to put on a dress.”

Knows Humor Funny Dresses Excuse Know Me

Author:Ellen DeGeneres

“Come on, if you don't win tonight it doesn't mean you're not a good person, it just means you're not a good actor.”

Ifs Mean Persons Humor Funny Actors Winning Tonight Good Person Good Actors

Author:Ellen DeGeneres

“I think I let go of the need for approval. It certainly feels good when you get it, but I used to be more desperate for it. Once I felt better inside about myself... I could do everything based on how I want to do things.”

Thinking Want Needs Feels Humor Funny Used Felt Letting Go Feel Good Used To Be Desperate Approval

Author:Ellen DeGeneres

“When there's time for whistling, there's a lot of time on a show.”

Shows Humor Funny Whistling

Author:Ellen DeGeneres

“That woman in the shampoo commercial - she's happy. She's... she's too happy.”

Humor Funny Shampoo

Author:Ellen DeGeneres

“All the commercials on TV today are for antidepressants, for Prozac or Paxil. And they get you right away. "Are you sad? Do you get stressed, do you have anxiety?" "Yes, I have all those things! I'm alive!"”

Humor Today Funny Alive Tvs Anxiety Stressed I'm Alive Prozac Antidepressants

Author:Ellen DeGeneres

“Have you ever thought about toothpaste? Ellen has! And she makes a point about all of the types of toothpaste that Colgate offers!”

Humor Funny Type Offers Toothpaste

Author:Ellen DeGeneres

“On the most Scottish thing he'd ever seen: I was going through a town called Bathgate at around 11 o'clock at night. And there was a guy leaning and pissing against a front door. He then took out his keys and went inside.”

Humor Funny Night Guy Doors Fronts Keys Towns Clock Scottish Front Doors

Author:Frankie Boyle

“It turns out your not dyslexic, your just really really stupid.”

Humor Funny Turns Stupid Really Stupid Dyslexic

Author:Frankie Boyle

“Apparently they're going to bring in 'Super Asbos'. But 'Asbos' already sound too cool. Teenagers see them as a badge of honour. They should call them 'Gaybos' or 'Bender Badges'.”

Should Humor Funny Sound Teenager Honour Badges Too Cool

Author:Frankie Boyle

“What was wrong with train toilet doors that just locked, instead of this multiple choice system? If anything goes wrong, you'll be sitting there while the whole toilet wall slowly slides away, unveiling you like a prize on a quiz show. For 500 points, a shitting woman!”

Ifs Whole Shows Humor Funny Choices Doors Wall Sitting Train Prize Locked Multiple Toilets Slides Anything Goes Quiz Multiple Choice Unveiling Quiz Show

Author:Frankie Boyle

“I always wondered about that woman who had that face transplant. If you went to bed with her, would that technically count as a threesome?”

Ifs Humor Funny Faces Bed Transplants Threesome

Author:Frankie Boyle

“Recent surveys show 3 out of 10 men have a problem with premature ejaculation. The rest just didn't really think it was a problem!”

Thinking Men Shows Problem Humor Funny Surveys Premature Ejaculation Premature Ejaculation

Author:Frankie Boyle

“The English are worried about the Euro being brought in because of loss of national identity and rising prices. In Scotland, people are just worried in case they have to close Poundstretcher.”

People Humor Funny Loss Cases Identity Worried Rising Scotland Euro National Identity Rising Prices

Author:Frankie Boyle

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